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Abortion and the Regrets
Stories continued from first page.
Stories submitted 1996-1999

Received December 1999
My story is dedicated to all females considering abortion in hopes that they may change their mind.

I'm an 18 year old High School senior. I have many dreams of going away to college in the fall of 2000 and pursuing a career in nursing.

In September I found out that I was pg. I was scared and most of all didn't want my parents to find out because I didn't want to disappoint them. So for me abortion seemed like the only option. So on October 11 I had an abortion. (I remember a friend of mine who had a baby at 15 once telling me that having a baby was the easy way out and she was RIGHT!!!!)

Still to this day I wish that I knew what I know now because I would have never done it. Everyday all I want is my baby back ...I cry most of the time and when I'm not crying I'm just acting happy.

Anytime I see a baby I just wish that I didn't kill mine (cause that's what I did). I know that the next time I get pregnant whether it's planned or not I will keep my baby.

I hope that any female considering an abortion as I did finds my story and sees that it is truly not the EASY WAY OUT as some of us my think.....

My prayers go out to any female who has gone through this great tragedy.

I hope that someday we can forgive ourselves and start to heal. I also pray for my unborn baby that he understand and forgive me.
Name Withheld
Received October 1999
At the time my story takes place, you might say I practiced "zero chastity" It's what I knew best. It was popular back in the late sixties and early seventies. I firmly believe that practicing chastity is the first step in ending abortion. Chastity is so much more than not having sex before or outside of your marriage as I only thought. The Catechism of the Catholic Church explains chastity better than I ever could and I will touch on that later.

I have had abortions, but I want to comment here that we are all post abortive. Kind of like post war. All of us, whether we know it or not probably have a family member, a friend, a co worker, a teammate, a schoolmate, who has aborted or who has been aborted. Mothers who have aborted their children know up close and personally the pain of killing their child. But there is a ripple effect as to how the pain, sorrow and consequences of that abhorable act is felt. I have a little diagram here, which is very popular in healing the mother in the abortion tragedy. Some of that pain will be felt by all of us one day.

After World War II, we experienced what was called the Cold War. After abortion, we experience what is called The Cold Heart. Many of us have come to accept abortion as just another fact of life. Something that those people up on the hill are always arguing about. Something that will never touch me, until you find yourself or someone you care for involved in a crisis pregnancy and you look around and there it looms, bigger than life, DEATH, death for your child, and sanctioned by the highest court in the land. Choose death they say and then everything will be just swell. So you mistakenly think! I'd like to share what I know first hand of Choosing death and then at the end I would be happy to answer any questions.

Before the abortions, I was living a totally rebellious life. As far, as I was concerned, Chastity was the daughter of Sonny and Cher. It was the early seventies and I had dropped out of college and moved to Colorado, much to my father's dismay. I had experimented with drugs and casual sex, and not quite hitting on the cure for my inner fear, loneliness and turmoil. I landed back on my parent's doorstep only to run out again with a young man that I had met. We moved to Vermont, much to my father's dismay. My father was very dismayed with his teenage daughter. We lived there for a year. I struggled with eating disorders and depression and my boyfriend shipped me back to my parent's house again. They immediately admitted me to a good Catholic Psychiatric hospital in N. Y., where I received shock therapy and 3 months of hospitalization. I was released from the hospital and spent the next six months at my parents' home in a state of severe depression. My mother helped to wash me, they fed me and basically let me vegetate in front of the television set until about 6 months later, my depression miraculously lifted. A couple months after that I met my future husband and the father of my children. We spent a year together laughing, having fun and engaging in premarital sex. We had made all the arrangements to be married the following year. He had gotten a job with the DC police department and moved down with his uncle in Silver Spring, Md. I used to visit him on some weekends and it is on one of those weekends that I became pregnant.

Oddly enough, I was keeping track of my cycle with the billings method, which was a natural family planning method. I was determined to be a good catholic girl. No matter what roads I chose to reach that goal. However I think I was more interested in the stickers that you put on the days instead of the actual date in my cycle that was great for conception. Because of my lack of education on this matter, I remember going off the chart with the green stickers as my period never came. I also remember feeling hungry all the time and extremely emotional. I bought a home pregnancy kit, did the test, saw the blue ring and told my future husband, that he was going to be a daddy. I didn't get the warm reaction that I was expecting, as he went through the roof, saying that I would have to get rid of it, abort it. We had no money, we were just starting out, we had nothing. Funny, now that I think about it. We have everything money can buy, but we have no children. I can't even remember what I said but it must have resembled something like I won't do it and then he laid the clincher on me. The final blow that spelled death for my firstchild. He said he would leave me, that I would be all alone, no other man would ever want me, I would be on welfare, and be like a friend of mine, who decided to have her baby, my goddaughter, and was on welfare. There was a brief moment (of insanity, I guess) that I thought that since we were getting married soon, that he was going to be the husband and I should listen to him. In my young, confused mind, I thought that was right. In my mind of today, I know that the devil is alive and well and will use any means and anyone to twist us unto his image. Telling Mom and dad was out of the question. I thought that they would kill me. Tragically, I would be taking part in the killing. So within a month, we moved in together in Virginia. and I had made an appointment to have our first child killed. We didn't think of it as killing. We knew something felt dreadfully wrong, but this seemed like the right thing to do. After all, a lot of my friends had had them, and our country said it was OK. Smoking pot was wrong, if you chose to do it, but not if you chose to kill your child. That is how confused I was.

The only fear I remember about the actual choice was the fear of my parents finding out and the fear of losing my future husband. That was nothing compared to the fear that came after the murders, and I'll touch on that in a minute.

The day of the abortion, my future husband was a real sport and drove me to the clinic and paid for the procedure. That is what it became known as that day. He left and said he would pick me up later. I stared around the waiting room and saw a lot of young girls, some alone, some with a boyfriend, a husband, a friend, not many with a mother, all of them looking scared. A young woman called me and made me take another urine pregnancy test. She showed me into a "counseling" room. She came back and told me that I was pregnant, took out a plastic model of a uterus and explained how they would remove the tissue lining of the uterus. There was never any mention of a baby,, or fetus, just the tissue that lined the uterus and how it would be removed. She said there would probably be some cramping. She lied, there was a lot of cramping. I was then taken to dress for the "procedure", a standard hospital gown (it should have been black) opened in the back. It was then my turn, there were several nurses in the room who positioned me on the table. The doctor came in, an older man with glasses and some gray hair. The nurses had some gray hair too! This must be OK I thought, they wouldn't lead me in the wrong direction, they must know what they are doing. I look at my own gray hair gradually coming in and hope it can lead other young women to choose life for their babies. I laid down with my feet in the stirrups, I looked up at the ceiling and I think there was a picture or a cartoon pasted up there. I don't remember what it said, but I wished it said " Get out now!" This all seemed normal, as I had other gyn exams. I think they gave me a local anesthetic and began dilating my cervix. The doctor had showed me the metal rods of different sizes that would be used to widen the cervix. I don't or won't remember the sound of the vacuum but I remember the severe pelvic cramps and that tearing and pulling, as my child was so violently dismembered. When It was over and I got up a nurse said to me "are you alright?" I was stunned and just looked at her. I should have been screaming, but that w ould come later. I was led to a makeshift recovery room, (cots instead ofbeds), where other girls laid, some with tears running down their face. We all laid there in stunned silence. Not one of us uttering a word. Just wide-eyed, innocent young girls waiting for their mommas and just having experienced the worst tragedy of our lifetime. Before we left the clinic, we were made to sit for instruction in contraception, showing us the various types available. My future husband never came to pick me up. He showed up at our apartment hours later, drunk as a skunk, with a model shipbuilding kit in his hand. I have yet to figure out that significance. I took the bus back to Alexandria by myself in a lot of physical pain. This was only the beginning of the aloneness, a very real side effect of abortion, which would plague me until this day.

Hell entered my life back on December 9th, 1978 and took up an 18 year residence. 4 more trips to the Psych ward, starting seven years after the abortion, where doctors could not quite figure out what was wrong with me. Some of my hospital records state that the only words they could decipher through all the screaming was "Can you give me back my babies". I had a second abortion close to six months after the first. I remember little about it. I died on the table with the first one. However after many prayers, I am beginning to piece together my second abortion, which happened sometime in April.. April 14th is the day I believe the second abortion took place. I do not want to search the records for the exact date so luckily Our Lord has a way of letting me know of the appropriate date. This time I had other wonderful friends who were able to share my grief and of course, always providing the physical presence of Christ, I gratefully had my project Rachel priests who helped me through more than I can ever thank them for. Still the doctors could see no connection. On another visit to the "Looney Bin", as my husband calls it, I was put into the isolation room, and then later opened my eyes to a horrible scene. I was being tied down in leather restraints and when the nurse injected me with Haldol, an antipsychotic, I screamed, " Stop sucking the life out of me" No one seemed to know what I was saying, I was already stigmatized as "nuts" just by being there. A couple of days later when I was talking to my nurse, he asked me why I had said that. I told him about the abortions and he said then it made sense. Hurray, someone finally understood me. In any event, I was diagnosed as manic-depressive and put on Lithium, a wonderful drug which I take till this day. I had one more hospitilization, because I went off my Lithium and it was around the time that my first child was conceived and aborted, 15 years before. No matter how hard I tried to forget about the abortions, they found a way into my consciousness. I was fortunate enough not to make it into the "quiet room", as it was known. I spent the next three years in a severe depression which finally lifted when I went through the Project Rachel healing process through my church.

I was deathly afraid of my parents finding out, about the abortions, However, I did tell my mom years later. I held the phone to my ear and said "by the way mom, I had two abortions, CLICK. My dad found out one day when I was engaged in a shouting match with my mother-in-law. I screamed about the abortions and my dad heard. He said nothing to me, but months later when my sister had given birth to my nephew and I broke down in tears, Dad was there to console me., It's as though he knew exactly why I was crying and only repeated "we love you" as he stroked my back. I realized then that these people didn't want to kill me, they only wanted to love me, and now they tried to love me through this horrendous family tragedy.

I couldn't speak about it to anyone for such a long time and if I did they all agreed that I didn't do anything wrong. Or they told me that abortion was a good thing. Everyone seemed to agree that abortion was AOK. A necessary evil. So I went where I consider to be underground, emotionally. Creating my own little space for the reality and gravity of my situation. Hence my Psychotic episodes.

When I saw the pictures of unborn babies at 9 weeks, it only added to my grief, but it was a good way to have someone that I could visually connect with. I clutched a big white stuffed polar bear for a lot of the physical touching that is so necessary in the grieving process. His fur is stained with my mascara and tears. Many years ago I had named my children, Brian, Patrick and Alyssa. I always sensed that the second abortion killed my twins. As part of the healing I have made a memorial to my children in a small grove of trees on our property in upstate NY . I intend to have a small slab of marble that I found engraved with their names. My mother is also holding a Christening outfit that she had made for my cousin, who is now 55 years old. It will go in a box of memories I have for the children.

Fortunately, as if there could be anything fortunate about this ordeal, I was spared any infection. I guess you might say "It was a clean kill". I also did not have to endure the sight of any baby parts. I have spoken with other post-abortive women who were forced to look at the jar that collected their child's body part's or who passed the parts of their children in the bathroom. Thank God, I was spared that additional horror. Unfortunately I had no babies, I suffer the period from Hell every month with tremendous blood loss and worst of all we have not conceived another child in 17 years.

Life begins at conception. There is not a speck of doubt in my mind that the "mass of tissue" that was aborted was not a life and did not possess a human soul. It's just one of those things that a mother knows in her heart. I'm sorry that I grew up in a time when there was a question about that. There is not a speck a doubt in my mind now when life begins and I challenge anyone to tell me otherwise. How do you stop hating yourself? The only reply is this. I learned to stop hating myself when I went through the Project Rachel healing program. Through the guidance of the priests and Our Lord I was able to come to a place of experiencing His mercy. How do I deal with the day to day sorrow? I share it! And God has given me this wonderful opportunity to share it all with you. Every time that I can share it, it pains me less and less.

Mrs. Clinton says that it takes a village to raise a child. In fact she even won a Grammy award for it, and while I don't totally agree with all of that I do know that "It takes a nation to pass a law to kill a child".

The little baby is the last person we should take it out on. I once wrote that abortion is the ultimate expression of our self hate. We must address this issue of why we don't love ourselves anymore. And just who are we now? Killing an unseen being is easier than facing that question. We have become coldhearted killers. We serve under a flag that has taken two indissoluble entities and said yes you can mix life with choice. Life has always been and will always be a gift. Choice is a noun and the best definition I can get out of old Webster was: care in selecting. So how does Chastity fit in all of this? Chastity, like life, is also a gift, a grace, a fruit of the spirit. It has to do with our integrity and self-mastery. It is not a choice. Chastity, like life, has its laws of growth, marked by imperfection and sin.. It involves a cultural effort, for there is an interdependence between personal betterment and the improvement of society. And I just read you what was in the Catechism of the Catholic Church..

Chastity is not something we choose, it is something we already possess. It comes with our Life. It is a whole lot more than not having sex before we are married. Chastity is a beautiful response to Our Lord,, when He touches us with His Love and Life. Abortion kills that Life.

My prayer, and I hope that you will join me, is that this nation will one day not only defend the memory of whom they have aborted, but will without question or discussion defend the lives of the unborn as well. MAY GOD'S MERCY GIVE US THE COURAGE TO LOVE OURSELVES, OUR CHILDREN AND OUR LIFE.. THANK YOU.

Received October 1999
Hi my story is typical I guess I just wish it had a better ending. I was in high school and I just started dating a guy who I liked so much. He had come to my house for a party in which my mother was out of town. I told him she was coming home so that nothing would happen between us. I was drunk but I remember kissing him good-bye and I specifically remember him pulling out of the driveway in that black Saab he used to drive. Funny thing is, I woke up the next morning half naked and there was this guy I liked so much lying next to me. I didn't remember anything. I was so devastated and hurt but still I convinced myself I had a good thing going with this guy and I'd hate to throw it away over something like that (at least that's the advice I got from my "friends"). I slept with him (consciously) about 2 or 3 times after that night, until I realized that he was also sleeping with every other girl in school. After all this I finally got the strength to tell him to get out of my life so I could move on. I was proud of myself for being so strong, realizing that I didn't need him.

He had left for college right after this and that's when I started to get sick. for days I convinced myself I had the flu until someone mentioned to me maybe you should get a pregnancy test. "What, I'm not pregnant", I remember thinking. And to prove it I marched down to the family planning center to take a test. "Your results are POSITIVE" the lady said to me, it entered my mind in slow motion. Then I was in shock and then I was lost, confused, heartbroken and all those other painful feelings that come with that kind of news. I used to pray to God to send me someone to love, he did that day, it just came backwards. The day I came home from school to tell my mother, She had some news for me, my friend was killed in a car accident. You wonder how much can a person take at once. Somehow with my moms thoughts, and my ridiculous thinking and considering the guy was in college and didn't want me or a child, and considering that I didn't know my father, we decided for the abortion.

The day before I got a letter from the jerk, "If it's mine and the Dr's say it's mine, I'm sorry". I wasn't sure how to take it. He knew I was only with him. He knew the truth and somehow that was supposed to make it all better. The day I left for the abortion, my brothers best friend was killed in a car accident.

I remember the ride, all kinds of thoughts running through my mind, but somehow this seemed to be "the easy way out", It wasn't. I knew when I went in to have the procedure done I didn't want to do it. I cried through the entire thing knowing I wanted to get up and run away, and now I wish I had. The Doctor kept yelling at me telling me if I move I will never be able to have children. It was the worst pain physically and mentally, and now each day I live with this haunting me. I will never forgive myself for it. I am so different today. I glow around children, I can't wait to have them. My only hope is that God forgives me and he will bless me with children.

I want people to know that it's not the easy way out. I don't want anyone else to hurt anymore. No matter what you do with your pregnancy, you will remember that child everyday of your life, I know I will. April 9, 1995 was my due date. It doesn't ever go away. I am doing a paper on abortion and I wanted to write about the after effects, but my professor is forcing me to do it on the laws governing abortion are ineffective.
Received October 1999
I ran across your page tonight and I cannot tell you the feelings it brought out in me. I cry now as I type this and it has been twenty years since my abortion. I would like to share my story too.

The pro-choice rhetoric is that it is better to abort a child then to have one when you are young and poor, but this is a lie. Most abortions are performed on middle to upper middle class white females of college age. Poor women keep their babies. I know my abortion stats now. I was one of those stats. I had my abortion when I was twenty years old. I lived at home with my mother at the time. I was a white twenty year old female who was not poor. abused, or sexually assaulted. I was careless with my birth control and got pregnant. At the time I was an exotic dancer and I was bringing home about $1000 to $1500 a week, not bad for a twenty year old with no rent, no car note, or any other bills to speak of. When I found out I was pregnant adoption never even crossed my mind, I just knew that I was having a great time, had a great body I didn't want to mess up, and that abortion was my right. I kept telling myself that all the way to the clinic and all during the procedure. If I didn't do anything wrong, why did I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach? I knew it was wrong when I did it. There are no excuses. I know that now may God forgive me.
Melody LadyMelody@webtv.net
Memphis TN.

Received October 1999
I want to share my story with women who have been thru or are thinking about abortion. I was married for 6 years and have a daughter who is now 5. I have been divorced 2 yrs and have had several relationships and have not used protection. This time I got pregnant. He was someone younger than me and not ready for a "family".

He enjoyed the idea at first, we chose names and looked for a place to live. Three weeks later he changed his mind! Imagine how easy it is for guys to just decide they don't want to be a Dad!! AMAZING!

Well after trying to get him to talk to me and having him ignore and turn me away, I had to decided what to do, he threatened taking my baby and threatened my family. He obviously was not "right." I made the hardest choice of my life. My family and friends knew everyone knew about my pregnancy, including my five-year-old. How do I explain this? I will never forget my trip to the clinic. My mom took me and my family was all supportive but yet I felt alone, I had named this child and the week before I was planning its future and now I was planning the end of this child's life.

Everyone there was kind and understanding, I was so scared I didn't believe in abortion and outside this woman was yelling at me...it was terrifying. I remember sitting in the room waiting to be "next", the sounds were awful the machine running -- oh how I wanted to run so fast and leave with my baby, I remember my ultrasound, I asked the tech. if I could see the picture, she looked at me funny, I need to see it I said. There was my baby so tiny, so helpless the one and only time I would see him or her.

After everything was over I woke up in a room with other women and girls who had just come out from the "procedure". I cried, my mom came over to recovery and we were leaving and she asked me how I felt and I said relieved! Is this what it feels like to kill a baby? I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I hated myself, I hated HIM for putting me thru this for being immature and a coward. I wanted him to feel the pain, the loss and the guilt of what we had done, instead he is out playing with his friends. How ironic it takes to people to make a life, but yet one suffers the loss.

I told selected friends and family what had happened, everyone else was told it was a miscarriage. I condemned myself enough and didn't want to be labeled. I told my five-year-old that the baby had died, she told me well Mommy he is an Angel now and has w ings, he gets to fly! She understands death but couldn't understand this too well because she had no "real" part of the pregnancy. One day I will sit down with her and tell her the truth. What some people have a hard time with is the fact that you just don't forget. You always remember, you always will regret and you always will long for that child and wonder what he or she would have become. I would be 7.5 months pregnant right now. Sometimes I hear my baby crying. I feel empty. I have one child and I love her so much and she went thru so much with her dad. Sometimes I wish I would have been stronger and braver to do th is alone. The "father" believes that I had a miscarriage as well, now throwing the rumor I was never pregnant, I suppose that is his way of dealing with the guilt? I have seen him since and I get this ill feeling so sick, I want him to feel the pain. I miss my baby, I long to see him feel him hold him and kiss his little head, I will forever long for that child. Through this I have learned that I am not invincible and I learned a hard, horrible lesson. I take all precautions and fear sex actually and th e idea of being close to someone again. Thank you for taking time to read my story
Received September 1999
I used to be pro-choice...once upon a time, but over time that has changed. I was young....and I had a very abusive boyfriend. In fact, he threatened me forcing, me to have sex with him. I felt there was no way out seeing as how he threatened to kill me if I didn't do as I was told. He got me pregnant, not just once, but twice and both time I was dropped off at an abortion clinic. He forced me to have sex with him, and than forced me to deal with the situation all on my own. I had abortions both times. I felt I had no choice. I still to this day regret it, and this happened over 5 years ago. I thank God I was able to survive this "safe" procedure without death, but I do not thank that man (my exboyfriend) for leaving me with the emotional scars I know live with every day. Many people who support pro-choice have no idea what it's like to actually get an abortion. Many people who are pro-choice I think forget the fact that their mother was pro-life. To anyone who reads this and maybe thinking about or one day may consider getting an abortion PLEASE PLEASE don't. Let some loving family raise your child if you don't think you can. If you abort that child you will live the rest of yourlife wondering, you'll remember the day of your abortion forever, wouldn't you rather remember their birthday? Abortion is not a choice, it is a disease that you will live with for the rest of your life. It's like AIDS or Cancer, once you get it done....there is no cure for the pain. I managed to get out of that abusive relationship and concentrate on healing the wounds that I've suffered from getting those abortions. I'm now married with a two year old son who I love more than anything in this world. I cherish every moment I spend with him. He is literally my miracle. The doctor told me I would be lucky to carry my son to term. The doctor said my uterus may not be strong enough to carry a baby because I had been a "victim to abortion." I got lucky though, I was able to carry my son who is happy and healthy. Still though every time I look at him, I wonder what my other children may have been like. I know there are some who are reading this in disgust with me for getting not only one abortion but two, and I ask those people to understand that we all make mistakes and we learn from those mistakes, and I try to teach and inform others based on my mistakes.
Received September 1999
I am writing from a friends computer. It has only been ten days since my abortion and I do not know why I am torturing myself by reading anti-abortion literature. I guess I am very fixated on the trauma and heartache that has occured. I just happened across this site and read some stories, and we all have them. Anyone who thinks that abortion is an easy choice is wrong! The emotional and physical repercussions of such a sureal, and agonizing experience can be permanent. As much as I am pro-choice, I feel de-moralized and cheated. My story begins the same as everyone elses, with sex.  I am a twenty-six year old mother of a little girl, who just turned six recently.  I was recently single after a long relationship and met someone that I thought was beautiful.  I want to point out here that you don't have to be extremely young or naive to get swept away and make a mistake. We all do it.  I felt very comfortable with him, he made me laugh and I believed that I was in love with him.

  After a few weeks I instinctively knew that I was pregnant.  I was in denial at first and did not want to face the harsh reality of what that could mean. It took me weeks before I would allow myself to confirm the pregnancy.  When I finally bought a test and found out that it was positive It took me another week before I could bring myself to tell Paul. I guess I knew what he would say.  When we did speak It was worse than I could have imagined.  But I guess men forget that it isn't just about them. After an emotionally charged conversation, he left.  

  I decided that i was above this and I didn't need him interfering in my life.  I decided not to call him and didn,t speak to him for weeks.   I began to focus on my pregnancy and myself.  At this point I was so confused that I had no idea what to do.  Here I am twenty-six and feeling very maternal. I love kids, I want more children, I coach soccer, but....  

  I finally went to my doctor's to ask for an ultra-sound.  That day broke my heart. I was already eleven plus weeks. The child looked like a baby, was a baby, and they gave me a picture to take home.  I couldn't stop looking at it.  I went through all the early phases of pregnancy and despite my growing attatchment and love for this little child decided after many tears and sleepless nights to abort him.   

  I kept putting of the call for weeks.  Had I been able to think clearly and had more support I would not have done this.  I had to spend a week on the phone to different clinics when i had finally attempted to do this.  Canada has laws and only clinics will do a procedure after fourteen weeks and only up to twenty.  I tried to stay in the city that I live in but they were "all booked up".  I had no choice but to go out of town. They told me to come the next morning.   

  Paul had come back to apologize a week or so earlier and gave some support and we had made plans to meet prior to me getting an appointment.  He seemed as freaked ouy as myself, it seemed all to soon. I was not at all prepared for this and wasn't sure about how supportive he would be in such a position.  As much as believed I had made the right choice for me I couldn't begin to figure out how to let go of something I really  deeply wanted and loved.   

  The next morning we arrived at the clinic, and I felt a guilt and hate for what I was about to do.  As I turned the corner to the clinic I was accosted by a fanatic, he had Know idea who I was or where I was going and picked me out of a crowd.  He chased me telling me I am going to hell, I was afraid that he would hurt me.  I was terrified at this point and it took every ounce of me to walk through the doors. I found out upon entry that the anti-abortionists had put their office right beside the clinic.  I was given an ultra- sound, was fifteen weeks.  What a sad, pathetic place this was.  The doctor was mean, the nurses were worse and they offered no counseling. You were a piece of meat to them and they were intolerant of tears.  There was a poor young girl there who was over the cut off date, this was her third day there.  They had put in a laminaria and wasn't dilating at all.  She had many procedures, more "sticks" placed in her, she was scared, twenty- one weeks pregnant and three days into an abortion, facing a possible C-section, and the nurses told her not to cry because it wouldn't help her. I have never seen such a disregard for people as I did here.   

  The doctor never really explained what I was going to go through, and called me a cry baby for crying during the painful insertion of the laminaria.  The only thing I am grateful for is having the opportunity to speak to a few women while I was there.  I sat for five hours in hell before they took me in.  They are even beyond trying to make sure that you are comfortable or quell your fears. They drug  you but you can feel and hear it all.  I happened to glance to the side at one point and see a glass jar filling up with blood and tissue. Then the doctor said it's stuck and a nurse took it away and brought a new one.  I was unable to do anything but laugh as I was crying because they were administering Nitrous Oxide a.k.a laughing gas.  When it was over they slapped a pad on me and quickly ushered me out the door.  I was in recovery for fifteen minutes, and was asked to fill out a form on how good the service was before I left.  Know one even escorted me to the door.  Paul had been told to go for a walk hours before and I stumbled a few blocks to the car by myself, in down town Toronto.   

  The next day I cried so much that I felt that I would die of my sorrow. I felt empty and void and wanted to go back in time.  I took alot of medication to help me sleep, but I couldn't, I couldn't eat for a week either.  Today I still feel very sad and full of regret, I would not have made the same decision today.  But as a mother, a woman, and a human I will do what ever it takes to be strong and try and educate my peers. There is something very wrong with a system that doesn't screen it's patients, council them, or try to help and support them in any way possible. A mother needs help to cope in the days after such a tragic loss.  People are so quick to help get rid of a baby but where are they when it actually matters?   

  I will never forget .  And I pray that the poor girl at twenty-one weeks is okay, she really affected me.  I am grateful for this chance to speak, and admire the strength behind each and everyone of you. Peace.
Received July 1999
My name is **** and I am 19 years old. My experience with abortion is still recent and I know I am not going to be able to write this without crying. I am and have always been pro-life, but it is amazing how you lose yourself when you get scared.

I became pregnant in late November 1998, and as my supposed due date grows closer the more painful it gets. I was not in a serious relationship, but the connection Dan and I shared was very intense. I did not fear telling him I was pregnant, I feared what my future now held. I had planned to tell Dan after he completed his finals, but he kept asking what was wrong and I final broke down and told him. Right away he suggested an abortion; I told him it was out of the question because I was not going to kill my baby. We decided to hold out on discussing it until his finals were over. When we sat down finally to talk about it, abortion was all he would really discuss. I sat there and listen to his reasoning, but ever time I brought up adoption he would tell me how much better abortion would be. We had both agreed right away that I was too young and he was not settled enough to raise a child. I wanted to put my baby up for adoption, to be able to find a family that could give my baby everything it deserved. After hours of going back and forth he said that when my finals were over we would decide, but ultimately it was my decision.

I took my finals with the constant thought of what was I going to do. Dan was so persuasive that he made abortion look like the only choice I had. He made me believe the pain of adoption would hurt more than abortion and I believed him. To my own amazement I agreed to have an abortion as long as it was medical abortion. It is a shot that stops the pregnancy and causes a miscarriage. The nurses at the clinic told me I was lucky because even a day later would have made a medical abortion impossible. I do not know where I went, but I disappeared for days. I miscarried on December 25, 1998. I ended up telling my mother and one of my sisters that it had been an abortion. They were both very supportive, but I begin a battle with myself.

Right away I regretted my choice; I wanted my baby back. I cried and cried. I isolated myself and prayed that this had all been a dream. Dan never discussed the abortion until I made him. I need him to be there to listen to me, but he could not. He always had to tell me it was the right choice. I finally told him that it was a baby and he deserved to be named. So alone I named him Noah James and I plan to celebrate him on August 8, his birthday.

I realized how Dan had forced me into having an abortion. I know it was my choice in the end, but to this day it still amazes me how he made abortion seem so right to someone so much against it. I blamed Dan for a long time and have just begun to forgive him. It was all he knew how to do and he was just as scared as I was. The biggest problem I face is myself. I have struggled and still am struggling to forgive myself. I believe Noah and God has forgiven me, but I cannot forgive myself. I want to cry when I see babies and I just wish to hold my Noah in my arms. Some days are harder than others are, but I am trying to move on. Noah is a concrete part of my life and will never be forgotten. This is a memorial to him, my beautiful and precious baby boy.
Received May 1999
Debbie's Testimony:
Received April 1999
I stumbled into your site today...it's hard for me to describe how it made me feel. There was an article about a girl who compared abortion to finding bacon in her soup. Just the very notion that someone could be that heartless made me cry. I am one of those women she was speaking about...how did she refer to me? I believe the word was whiner? It is unfathomable to me that anyone could have such a dark, dark soul. I could, at any given moment, tell you exactly how old my child would be. Today he/she would be 6 months and three weeks old. Probably just learning to sit up. I am unable to look at an expectant mother's belly. I cannot even find peace at my church and no longer go, due to the picketers who congregate there. On the monthly anniversary of my abortion, I cannot get out of bed. There are times I spend the entire day there, and just sob. It was the biggest mistake of my life and will always be, even if I live to be 100.

I wasn't thinking clearly. I didn't know it would feel this way. No one told me it would ruin my life. I realize that you are right-to-life, and it makes me cry that your response to me wouldn't be "it serves you right!" I tried to turn all this agony into something good by calling Planned Parenthood and asking if there would be some way for me to counsel women and girls who are considering abortion. Not to preach to them or talk them out of it-but to tell them what nobody bothered to tell me, which is that it will alter your life in ways I can't even articulate. But the woman I spoke with said that because I was crying while I spoke, that I could not be an impartial counselor. I would never picket because I do not believe it deters anyone, and because it causes more pain and heartache for women like me when we already know how desperately wrong we were. So it seems that I have yet to find a way to turn all of this into something constructive.

Thank you for trying to understand my pain, and for defending women like me to that woman who is so, so, lost.
Received March 1999
Hi, my name is Denise. I have experienced both adoption and abortion. I was 18 years old and in college when I found out I was pregnant. I had unprotected sex and never thought that pregnancy would happen to me. I was away from home and had everything going for me. My parents were paying for my education and I was living on my own

At that time, all I could think of was how I didn't want to lose everything I had. I wanted to be free and not tied down to anything or anyone. I was self-centered, as most girls are at that age, I thought only of myself. I was raised with a belief in God, but had not gone to church in years and had no personal relationship with Him. I went to Planned Parenthood for a free pregnancy test. A counselor went over me with the results. She explained how since this was obviously an unplanned pregnancy, and I had so much going for me, the only option was abortion. Being the self-centered, naive person I was, I believed her. I had an abortion at about 6 weeks gestation.

Shortly after the abortion I went into a deep depression. I dropped out of school and fought with my parents. I had an abusive manipulating boyfriend and I was miserable. I didn't care about myself anymore. I was suicidal and cold hearted. Two months later, I got pregnant again (this time I was on the pill). I couldn't even imagine going through the pain and torment of another abortion. It was hard to tell my parents I was pregnant. They had never known (and still don't) about the previous pregnancy. When I told my father, he look at me with soulful eyes (and my father is NOT one to show any emotion) and said, "please don't do anything as horrendous as having an abortion". My stomach turned. My boyfriend threatened to kill me if I carried the child, then he threatened to kill me if I kept the child. All my "friends" (yeah, where are they now?) urged me to get an abortion. I talked to someone who used abortion as a form a birth control. The thought of her doing that made me want to puke! Then I ran into a co-worker who had something great to share with me. She pulled out some pictures of a little girl who was about three years old. She said, "this is my daughter. I gave her up for adoption at birth".

"Adoption?", I thought. Wow, why hadn't it occurred to me before. After all, I was adopted myself. My birth mom loved me enough to give me life as God had planned! So, I made my choice. It wasn't easy. At about one month after I found out I was pregnant, I got a new wonderful boyfriend. He offered to stick with me and even help me raise the child if I wanted. I told him I was way too immature and unstable to raise a child at that time. I also believed that a child needed two parents if at all possible, and since we just started dating, I could not make a commitment like that. I found a lawyer and started looking for parents. I was adopted under a closed adoption, but now you can choose a very open adoption and call all the shots. I looked at some resumes and picked a couple who I thought would be great parents. I met them in person and we talked on the phone several times throughout the pregnancy. They helped some financially because my boyfriend had a very low paying job at the time, and I was on disability. They wanted to make sure I made it to all my doctor visits and ate healthy (I ate TOO healthy, I gained 95lbs!). I was accused several times (especially by young mothers) that I was selling my baby and I was a horrible person. I kept my chin up, I knew I was doing the right thing.

On May 7, 1990 I gave birth to a beautiful 8lb baby girl. The adopting parents came as soon as they could. They thanked me with all their heart for giving them the opportunity to finally have a child of their own. I felt great!!! My boyfriend and I ended up getting married. Ten years later and we now have two wonderful boys. I will always regret being responsible for taking the life of my first baby (abortion). I have NEVER regretted giving a life to a deserving couple. I get pictures of her every year and since it was an open adoption, we can always get a hold of each other if it is ever necessary. I wish adoption wasn't looked down upon so much. I wish it was offered at places like Planned Parenthood as readily as they offer abortions. Adoption leaves no regret, abortion does. It's as simple as that! Having responsible sex, or being abstinent until marriage would help a lot too! Praise God for not letting me make the same mistake twice!!

Thank you for listening. That is the first time I have shared this story ever. It feels great. I hope I can help someone out there.....

Received March 1999
In 1972, as I was walking home from high school and was offered a ride by an adult male acquaintance of mine. This man had a horse that he let me ride, whenever I wanted and being the horse crazy teen-ager that I was, I jumped at the chance to be around him, if only to stay on his good side and be able to continue riding his horse. Ah, the innocence of youth. Instead of taking me home, this man took me to a secluded area and raped me. Being a prideful and head-strong young woman, I kept it to myself. Until six weeks later, when I started getting sick every morning. My Mother, suspecting I might have mono, had me go to the doctor. There, they did a variety of tests, including a pregnancy test. Turns out, I had gotten pregnant by that rape. My secret was out. I had to tell my parents. Fearing the worst, I steeled myself and showed my Mother the receipt from the doctor. She asked me how such a thing had happened. I told her, leaving out the details. When my Father came home, my Mother told him. I waited in my room, waited for the angry explosion. But it never came. My parents were angry, but not at me. At the man that had done this to me. They decided that an abortion was in order. They called our family doctor and a complete psychological exam for me was ordered. I spent 15 minutes with this doctor. In that short time, he asked me how I liked school, if I had many friends and what I thought and felt about being pregnant. 'Yes', 'Yes', and 'I hadn't really thought about it.'

From these answers, he decided that carrying a child to term would be harmful for my psychological health, so an abortion was scheduled. Now, in the early 70's, in Wisconsin, abortion was illegal, unless it was proven that the pregnancy would be harmful to the mother. From the few questions that he asked me, he assumed that I was in too fragile a state to have a child. Hmm, sounds like a set-up to me.

Anyway, a week later, I was admitted into the University of Wisconsin Hospital and a D&C was performed. I remained in the hospital for three days, as the procedure was considered surgery. This was not spoken of very often. 'Some things are better off unsaid'.

In 1975, I became pregnant again. This time, I was an adult. I was the one to decide what to do about this 'problem'. My friends told me to abort. My family was torn between abortion and adoption. Everyone was worried about my 'future'. Hmm, what about the tiny life I was carrying? Didn't he/she deserve a future? So, I made the decision to carry this child to term and then place he/she for adoption. in May of 1976, I gave birth to a son. I got to know that small child of mine for three months and then it was time to sign the papers, relinquishing my parental rights. The judge asked me if anyone was coercing me into placing him for adoption. "No", I told him. That "I was doing it out of love". That "I felt it was the only way he would be able to have a loving and stable family and life. I wanted him to have a chance to be somebody."

Afterwards, I had a friend drop me off at a church. I don't remember what church it was. I only knew that I HAD to go there. It was the first time in seven years I had gone to a church (other than weddings and funerals). My friends? They chastised me for 'giving away' my son. They wondered how I could do such a hateful thing! These same people that had pushed me to have an abortion. Somehow, it was OK to kill my child, but not Ok to help him have a decent life. To this day, I do not understand their thinking. This is my son, a few days before he exited my life, to start a new one with a family that had waited years for a child. I often wonder what my aborted child would look like.

So, I have been on both sides of the pro-life debate. I have experienced first-hand the choices that are available. I pray that my son is healthy and happy. That, someday, he will come knocking on my door, and I can tell him that I gave him up because I loved him. I grieve for my poor little unborn babe. Who will never know the sun on his face. Never know the majesty of a sunrise. Never know the pain of a broken heart. Never feel the warm and tender touch of a loving embrace. I grieve, yet I also rejoice, for I know that he is with the Lord. Safe and secure in His love and protection.

Any young woman that finds herself pregnant, and is in a quandary as to what to do, trust me, abortion is NOT the answer. It does not solve things. It may be a 'quick fix' for what is perceived as a problem, but, believe me, the ramifications stay with you a lifetime and beyond. The guilt that follows you throughout your life is a very heavy burden. Your life may not be damaged, but, trust me, your soul is. Plus, IT JUST IS NOT RIGHT TO TAKE A LIFE, whether that life is but six tiny cells or a walking talking person.

Ladies, since time immortal, we have been taught and conditioned to be subservient to men. We get less pay, poorer housing, less benefits. Why, even our shoes aren't made as durable as men's. Women continue to be considered second class citizens. If you dress for comfort on a hot summer day, you are considered to be an easy mark, sexually. Wear shorts and a tank top, and far too many men take it as an advertisement for sexual relations. PLEASE, be careful. Rape is something that occurs at an ever alarming rate. The sad truth is that the perpetrator is most often someone that is well known to the victim.

Ladies, go with your inner feelings. If you get any bad 'vibes' from a man, be they a boyfriend, an relative, a stranger or an acquaintance, listen to your inner voice. Do what you can to never be alone with that person. Stay on your guard at all times. Your body is too precious a thing to be sullied and defiled by someone in a moment of their own selfish passion and dominance.

Received January 1999
At the age of sixteen, I became pregnant by my first love. My boyfriend was equally as frightened as I was and considering I was caught up in the whole pro-choice debate, he and I were conflicted and dreadfully confused. I ended up telling my parents and my father said that I had to have an abortion or else. So, being sixteen , I did it. The procedure was terrifying and without a doubt, the most painful thing I had ever endured. The aftermath left my boyfriend and I depressed and disgusted with ourselves. We remained together for 3 more years after that and not a day went by that we did not hate ourselves for what we had done. And finally, a year ago today, my boyfriend was killed in a car accident. The first thought that popped into my mind and has haunted me since that very day is that I killed the last living piece of that wonderful caring man I had loved for so long. That is the most treacherous burden one will ever carry.
Received December 1998
I became sexually active when I was 14 and I lost my self-respect after the boy I was with became unfaithful. I had other sexual partners afterward and I became pregnant when I was 15. I told my two best friends after I started to get morning sickness and I wrote a suicide note because in my heart, I knew this was murder and I wanted to die with my child. I could not live with the shame and the embarrassment of being so stupid as to get pregnant. I could not face my mom and dad or my friends. I was in a state of panic and fear of anyone finding out, I really just wanted to die. It was just a matter of how to kill myself- I just needed time to find that out. Instead my mom found my note and my aunt took me to get a blood test. It was positive, and I said to myself "I guess I want to get an abortion". And I did. I cried after I got out of the clinic and into the car. I tried to take a drag off a cigarette but I got sick. I continued to cry for a while and then we never talked about it again. Once in home economics class I saw some pictures of a 12 week fetus- I was 10 weeks when I aborted and I didn't know it was a baby. No one told me it was so alive and so formed and so real and its heart was beating when I killed it. I should have known it though - deep down I did know it.

I repeated the whole process coldly and with no emotion when I was 17. After years of struggling with drug addiction and suicidal tendencies at the age of 19 I had a little boy and I blocked out all the bad stuff that happened to me, claiming I had changed and believing he was my absolution. Now I can't live with it any more, I can't reconcile it with the life I have now. I can't make it make sense or push the memory away. It was me or my babies and I chose myself-what kind of a mother does this. Who am I? I have so much anger and so much sorrow and I haven't even begun to express this pain. I have never been able to talk about this, but I don't want anymore babies to die and I don't want to keep seeing the pictures in the anti abortion pamphlets anymore (the really graphic ones). 1,300,000 abortions a year, 1,300,00 babies a year and all I see is my sons newborn face and my black heart and my 15 year old hands, shaking with fear. I know that I need counseling and it has taken me 8 years to realize how devastating the effects of abortion are, how sick I am and how bad I really feel. I am just so sorry, I just don't ever want it to happen to any baby ever again. These are our children.

Murder should not be an option, it just shouldn't...

December 1998
Jennifer's Abortion Experience
Received December 1998
Being a women who has experienced the pain and aftereffects of abortion, I can tell you that in no way was I ever "counseled". That is a lie from the pit of hell, that those places offer counseling. The Planned Parenthood office in Lancaster, PA, sat me and about 10 other men and women around a huge table.

I was extremely sick at the time, but had to attend this so-called counseling to be able to abort in time to make the 12 week mark. I had to leave the room numerous times due to an asthma attack and coughing fit. I was very sick emotionally and physically at the time. I was expecting to get a "please talk me out of this" speech. I WANTED it. I wanted to keep my baby, but I was so confused, I felt like I was playing beat the clock. I was so devastated to find out that their so-called counseling was the "What-ifs" and the "What could happen" speeches, and tons of paper signing, in case of a complication. You know they have to cover their butts. They needed to prove they told me in case something went wrong. Well, I missed most of the speech anyway cause I was running in and out of the bathroom with a coughing fit.

It is plain and simple fact, that if I have sex, I can get pregnant. I feel I made my "choice" when I weighed those consequences in my mind, before having sex. From that point on, I had no other choice. God made that little baby in me, knitted it together in my womb. I had no right to stop that child from it's natural progression into a born human being. Society filled my head with, it's not a child it's a choice, and you can't AFFORD another child, it's OK to abort, I did it too. I kept hearing this, over and over. The only two friends that supported me having that child, lived 60 miles away from me. When I saw them, I decided not to kill my baby, when I got back to Lancaster, I was once again bombarded with negativity and "You can't keep IT" mentality. I WANTED my baby, I LOVED my baby, I MISS my baby, I still GRIEVE and MOURN the loss of my child. NO ONE should have tried to convince me of what was right for me. I knew in my heart of hearts what was right, and I chose to ignore it, because I was labeled an unwed mother in this society, something that has less value than a "real" mother. I only learned this all too late to save my child. I learned that Jesus valued me as much as the "real" mothers, and that I was also a real mother. I learned that God wanted to protect me from the pain of the crisis pregnancy and that is why the sanctity of marriage is so special. I learned that it would have been OK to keep my baby, and Jesus would have loved me just as much as everyone else. Oh to know the love of Jesus sooner...But I also know that this pain caused me to search for this love. And God made it work together for good after I did not follow His will and was hurt so deeply. He has healed my heart, He is caring for the child I named Gabriel Wynne, and he loves me and forgives me for sending that child to be with Him before she had a chance to live. I pray with all my heart that the men murdering these babies, I called them hired hitmen myself, will someday feel the pain of the unborn, and know that the God that knitted those doctor's together in their mothers' wombs, is going to forgive them, if they can just stop the senseless killing...
Gabriel Wynne
Received November 07, 1998
On Nov. 23, 1979 I had an abortion although I was Catholic, moral, and knew this was a living human being. I was a college sophomore, scared to tell my parents, abandoned by my boyfriend, and sure that I was unable to support and care for a baby. My friends didn't know what to do or what to say to me. My college counselor agreed that having an abortion was the decision which would allow me to "go forward with my life."

How I wish I'd had ONE strong pro-life voice around me to urge me not to have an abortion, one person to mention a pregnancy center, one person to mention adoption. I was ready to be talked out of an abortion -- I needed someone to offer to tell my parents with me; basically, tell me it would be all right and having this baby was the right thing to do.

My life spun out of control after that abortion and became a whirlwind of drinking and promiscuity. I was firmly pro-choice because, after all, I'd had an abortion and didn't have the right to tell others not to "affirm their choice."

Finally, at age 30, married, with a child, and renewed in my Christianity, I volunteered at a crisis pregnancy center and viewed the tapes, read the manuals and broke down. Most of the women there had experienced an abortion and knew the brokenness that had to happen before healing. Prayer, support and belief that God forgives our confessed sins led me to acceptance, although I will always wish I had chosen to give birth.

I realized that just because I had an abortion I didn't have to fight to support it. In the drunken years, I drove while drunk every night -- that doesn't mean I have to advocate drunk driving rights now! If you are torn because you've had an abortion and now don't support it, trust that your bitter experience can be put behind you and you can be vocal in your opposition to abortion. You know the pain of abortion and its destructive effects upon both baby and mother.

Received October 27, 1998
After reading all the e-mails, I too wish I had been more informed. It has been about 3 weeks since I had my abortion. I had denied being pregnant for over a month. My boyfriend, who is a very strong Christian, mentioned to me one day about being pregnant. I blew it off and said "No way, don't worry about." For being a RN, I was in extreme denial. I started thinking about it and I guess it had always been in the back of my mind. I mentioned to my best friend that I was about a month late. So the next day I planned on taking a pregnancy test. When they both turned out to be positive, I was numb all over. All I could think of was how I was going to tell my boyfriend that had just left for another country, and wouldn't be back for months. I still was in denial, so I took a blood test that night at work. My worst fear, it too was positive. By morning, reality was sinking in and I was imagining raising this child by myself. I realized I had already become attached. It took me four hours to get up the nerve to tell him. He took it much better than I had, the only thing was I acted like I hadn't decided on what to do. I wanted to hear what he would say, I never imagined he would bring up abortion. So, I said "that is the only option for us at this time." I denied all the feelings inside of me. I worried about what our families would say, not ever thinking of how I was going to live with this decision. I also thought he would change his mind. Listening to him, he didn't have any clue on the development of a 5 week embryo or abortion procedures. I made an appointment and my best friend accompanied me for support. She had already tried to talk me out of it. All I wanted was my boyfriend to change his mind. I kept praying that something would stop me while I was waiting. That should have been a clue to run and never look back. I never imagined the pain, it was excruciating. Some of the pain was from the procedure, but also the instant emptiness. I knew I was on my own and had made the worst mistake of my life. I wanted to turn the clocks back. I have such emptiness, there is a void in my heart. There is never a way to fill the void. I cry every night when I am alone, there is no comfort in this world. Of course, my boyfriend doesn't understand the void I feel. He never felt the attachment, he has tried to comfort me but it is hard being across the ocean. I really don't think anything will make it better. I wonder every second of the day, what my baby would have looked like, was it a boy or a girl? I never planned on getting attached, but now every time I see someone pregnant or new little infant, I am envious. I know I shouldn't be. I want everyone to know that it isn't over after the abortion. The problem only gets worse. If only I could take it back.....

Name withheld
Received October 15, 1998
I was raised up a strict, pro-life Catholic girl, and still am after what had happened to me . I became engaged when I was 17 and shortly after that became pregnant my family was excited I was almost three months the father at first told me he was happy and wanted it but I was young and naive because when he told me soon after that if I did not have an abortion he would leave me, and that if I did not I was not showing my love for him. So I went ahead set up an appointment with a family planning clinic for an abortion when I went there I was scared did not know what to do, but I went through with it. After it was done I felt awful like someone tore my heart out. I felt like I could not handle this emotionally. Less then a month later I started getting bad cramps and slight fevers, so I called the clinic they said that there was nothing to worry about so I went on thinking nothing was wrong until I gained a really bad cramp that landed me in the hospital. The doctor said from the abortion I had a uterine infection and two ovarian cysts. I ended up in the hospital for 2 days and on home iv care nursing for two weeks. Now I just found out the chances of having children are slim.

I am now married to the man that was the father I still have hard time dealing with the abortion I cant forget it like he tells me two , he says ultimately it was my decision and if I felt so strong against it I should have not done it, so now I fell worse then ever. I really do hope I can have children. One thing the abortion clinic fails to tell you is if the fetus feels pain or not. I found out all the statistics afterwards by reading up on it. Thanks for your time I just wanted to share my story

Carrol carrol_s@yahoo.com
Received July, 1998
I was just reading through the painful stories of these women that I have long refused to group myself with. However, I have just now realized that I am one of them. I always spent so much time, judging them for their lack of sense or character and refused to admit my own culpability. I had an abortion in 1978. I was 18 yrs old and engaged to be married the following summer. I had just graduated high school, an honors student, university bound. My whole life was about being the "trophy child". My mother had become pregnant with me and my biological father married someone else he impregnated at the same time instead. This left my mother kicked out of her family and she spent the next 18 years bragging about my every achievement as a sort of justification for defying her parents and keeping me instead of going to Tijuana and having an illegal abortion as they wanted her to do.

Upon discovering I was pregnant, I went a bit bezerk. How could I do this to my mom? What would her parents say now. Like mother, like daughter. I am ashamed to admit now that I was more concerned about my mother's well being than my own baby's. My fiancée encouraged me to terminate the pregnancy because as a diabetic, he hadn't been watching himself too well then, and his concern was that the baby wouldn't be born healthy or without some birth defect. So, although it was against everything I had been brought up to believe in and stand for, I took the coward's way out and sacrificed by baby. I am 38 years old now, and even as I type this, I am weeping. I married him and 3 years later, I left him. He wanted a family. I couldn't even begin to consider it. Have a family? We already had started one only to kill it. I couldn't face him, because to face him was to have to face myself and my part in the hideous deed.

I married again in 1992. We wanted a family above all else. Unfortunately, in 1985, I found out that I was now infertile and the chances of becoming pregnant were fairly nil. Ironically, the infertility had nothing to do with the abortion. So I literally killed the only chance I had to give birth to a child. My now husband and I went through some infertility treatments, unsuccessfully. But we were able to adopt a beautiful 11 day old baby girl six months after we married. We have since adopted another daughter and were able to bring her home straight from the hospital. I love my beautiful miraculous girls unconditionally. And I don't consider them replacements for the child I sacrificed. And I never forget about that child either. I have confessed my sin and I believe that I have been forgiven even if I still chastise myself. I weep with these women for all our losses. I pray that the death of these innocents and our experiences are not for nothing....that some women will read them and understand that abortion is not a quick fix. It will live with you even as that child would have, if not longer. So I no longer judge you, my sisters in mourning, I have judged myself the harshest and pray that we become better teachers. Thank you for providing this forum.

Received June, 1998
My first and only abortion happened after having my first child in 1987. I had been married for about a year and suddenly I find myself pregnant again. I was devastated. I didn't plan on another child so soon after the first. He was only five months old. I had discussed the issue with my husband and against his better judgment, he agreed. I didn't know exactly what it entailed. At the time, I thought "NO BIG DEAL''. I can do this, but when I entered that clinic, I knew then that I was committing the biggest mistake of my life. And as stupid as I was, I went along with it anyway. I met a young woman there and we got to talking. I needed to know what it would feel like, so I asked her. She said "It's a piece of cake, this is my fourth time here." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She was so calm about it. I thought, this woman to be some kind of nut case. But I look back now and realized that I was no better than she. After my ordeal, the guilt set in. It was horrible. I prayed that night hoping that God would forgive me for what I had done. I knew he did. About five years later, I find myself pregnant and having the same thoughts all over again. This time, I decided that I wouldn't put my baby nor myself through such an ordeal again. So, I kept my baby and had a tubal ligation done. It was for the best. I didn't want anymore children but I didn't want another murder hanging over my head for the rest of my life. I often find myself thinking whether it was a boy or girl and how old it would've been today. But I feel relief, knowing that this child is with god, and that I'm forgiven because I would never do such a thing again. I look at my two boys now and I thank god for them. They've brought me so much pleasure and happiness. I can't imagine life without them.
Received May 29, 1998
I am currently two weeks post abortion. I suspected my pregnancy four weeks ago, so on my lunch hour from work I went to the pharmacy to buy a home test. I went back to work and in the bathroom performed the test. As I saw the plus sign appear I felt a mixture of excitement and fear. I am currently engaged to the most wonderful man I have ever known. I am 29 years old, well educated and have an excellent job. I have two children from a previous marriage and he has three. It is really hectic, so we decided no more children. I always felt sad for this, not having a child with a man I loved so much. So when that test was positive, I could just picture this beautiful child with his curly hair and my big brown eyes! I told him the following night (it took me that long to get up the nerve). His only response was, "you know what to do." We went on to argue, and I ended up leaving that night to stay with my family.

The entire next week was the exact same, endless fights. I cried more in that week than I have in my entire lifetime. Finally eight days after that plus sign appeared, I couldn't take it anymore. I told him I'd make an appointment for this afternoon. I couldn't think straight from all the grief I had been feeling. I hadn't eaten nor slept in eight days. My appointment was for 1:15 that afternoon. The worst part was the sonogram. I recall the doctor saying, "there it is, looks like you're still early." My heart sunk. The doctor had just seen my baby that was in a few minutes going to be removed from my body. A few minutes later I was given a shot to "relax" me. The rest was a blur. I recall crying hysterically and yelling, "NO". In the recovery room, I just sat and cried. I couldn't believe what I had just done. I had terminated a life that I wanted so desperately.

I am still with my fiancé, and we are getting married in a few months. I don't know why we are still together after how he treated me and our child. Maybe by looking at him everyday, I have a vision of what our child would have looked like. He is a good person, and I love him. He had a vasectomy last week. I am happy. I could never have a child by him and not feel guilty for the child we terminated. I bought the most beautiful glass angel as a memorial to my child, her name is Makaela Renee. I can look at this and smile knowing that she is with God. I know God has forgiven me, I still need to forgive myself. Healing takes time.

Received May 27, 1998
I guess my story is really one of many of us out there. It feels good to no longer feel alone and be able to talk about it.

I had an abortion a few years ago, when I had just turned 18. I discovered at the clinic that I was 12 1/2 weeks, not 8 as I had thought. When I felt warm inside after seeing the little head and fists on the sonogram, I should have known that I love children and I should have had the confidence to take on this responsibility. But I didn't. I didn't know the baby could feel pain. I feel the pain for both of us now. The father didn't take any responsibility. I had to pay for it, and he didn't even call to see if I was okay. I haven't spoken to or seen him since. I still wonder why I did it. I think I was really afraid of embarrassing my mom, who is a valedictorian and got a full-ride scholarship to college, despite an impoverished childhood and an alcoholic father; in contrast I had a wonderful childhood.

Today, I am 22 years old and finally coming to terms with it. I am married now, to a wonderful man. He is a loving father to our 22-month-old daughter, and we are both excited about the baby due in October, who is healthy. I am very devoted to my daughter and our unborn baby.

I am very lucky that I didn't get into alcohol or drugs after the abortion. I still punished myself though. I punished myself by flunking through college. I should have graduated by now, and i should be earning good money to provide better for my family. I sometimes feel as if I have cheated her, not only of an older brother/sister, but of a more confident mom. Sometimes I worry whether my daughter is my "atonement baby". Maybe she is, but I love her, and she means the world to me.

I stay home with my daughter, so we have lots of time together. My husband goes to work all day every day, earning just enough money for us to rent a small house in a very good neighborhood. ---And he is only 20 years old! We will have our second child before he is even 21, and he is a better father than many 30-year-olds I know.

Our second baby was a surprise, but we are already rearranging the house and picking out names. Our daughter is excited about being a big sister. We treasure every little kick we feel. This wonderful feeling is a stark contrast to the fear and embarrassment I felt with my first pregnancy.

I think the way you feel about the father has a lot to do with the way you feel about the baby. The most horrible thing about being a woman is the fact that biologically and emotionally, you are often left to take responsibility. I think if we picked men that would take more responsibility, we wouldn't feel like abortion was our only choice. A supportive mate is a must in a woman's life!

Regrets? Yes. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. But I will not cheat my children out of the loving and confident mother that they deserve. What I will do is spend the rest of my life trying to do things that benefit children. I cannot change the decision I made. I will meet my poor first baby in heaven someday. But I will love children, I will love MY children, I will love myself, and I will love and forgive every woman who finds herself in that position.

I wish I could put my arms around every woman facing an unexpected pregnancy. I know that God already has. We live in a society that allows pornography, rape and exploitation of women. We live in a society where many hate women.

But God loves us. ALL of us!

Posted in my guestbook on January 19, 1998
Thanks for telling it like it is I to had an abortion. and I wish I would have known the facts about it. I wish I had been brave ,and strong. I thank God for helping me though the dark, dark days. the hardest thing was not that God did not forgive me was that I had to forgive my self
someone out there
Tammy's Story - received November 11, 1997
I have linked to her story on her web site with her permission. She can be reached at innfam@msn.com
Vincenza's Story - received October 16, 1997
I have linked to her story on her web site with her permission

Michelle's story - received August 17, 1997
I remember the day all so well, my friends and I were "laughing" in the bathroom trying to guess what color the stick will turn out for each of us.

But behind the laughs, my heart was heavy and pounding for this was no game, this was reality my LMP was beyond "just late" and all that unprotected sex was now haunting me

I was 15 years old and when that little circle turned blue, my world fell apart. I went to sleep that night fear filled and tossed and turned all night long. This couldn't happen and I wasn't going to let this be true.

You see, my life was over and so I had nothing to lose my brain seemed unfunctional and nothing that night, I mean nothing was going to stop me.

I stood on my bed, and I removed my curtain rods I broke off the end and laid down on my bed, and with no hesitance at all, I killed my baby, and almost myself.

After 11 days in the hospital, my parents took me home and not one word was spoken about it, it was as if it never happened.

I went on with life as usual, I told a few friends in the beginning, seemed very proud of myself, it was cheap and quick and got the job done.

I soon completely blocked it out of my memory, and in less than one year I was pregnant again. By this time I knew what to do, my boyfriend and I went to FPA and it was 350.00 and I would be put to sleep, and this wonderful "God Sent" Doctor would make me unpregnant!

The abortion was legal and much safer than my first, I went home, had some cramping, nausea, and some bleeding and within 3 days I was again telling friends about the wonderful "gift" of abortion.

This, I must admit happened two more times. A total of 4 pregnancies in less than 3 years.

By the age of 17 I was drinking and smoking and within one year I was addicted to Crack and pills. Drugs took away the reality and the pain, of what I had done.

I became very involved in spreading the pro-choice message to whomever I could and, really felt that there was no regrets.

Getting clean and sober is another story, but during a recovery therapy session, I broke down and for the first time in all those years I revealed the pain and the suffering of the murder of my 4 babies.

In a room with about 5 others I cried and screamed and threw the pillows on the couch against the walls, It hurt and it hurt bad. Years of hurt all hidden behind the mask of evil.

I realized that is where everything stemmed from, there was to be no recovery from the drugs, and no future or no happiness, until I first dealt with the murder of my children.....The first I killed with my own hands.... the other three I paid someone to kill for me...

Today I realize that nothing, absolutely nothing will bring back those 4 innocent and precious babies to me, but with my story, my love, and my support maybe, just one babies life can be spared......

Abortion is an option to a life of Hell only!!! There are other ways, I only wish that little girl with her heart so heavy and scared that night 11 years ago, could have had a peak into her future, just a small peek and what a different choice she would have made.
Michelle shell_17@rocketmail.com

Tamara's story - received August 11, 1997
I am someone that can really relate to allot of what you have said and can only pray that God knows how much I wish I had heard it all about 2 and a half years ago. I had an abortion on January 25 of 1995. I am now 22 years old and will be 23 in October. I look back on what I have done and I am extremely sorry for it. I have grown so much in the past couple of years, its almost unreal.

It was early December and I had just recently become engaged to a gentleman that I really in my heart knew wasn't right for me. We found out I was pregnant and I was in a panic, I had no idea what to do, or say or how to act. I wanted to talk to someone that would tell me what to do, but everyone kept saying that it was my decision. I was never offered professional counseling, or any form of counseling. My friends and fiancé tried so hard to be supportive, and they really were. They stood by my decision, but my fiancé knew what I should do, and really made it clear that he wanted me to have an abortion.

I was raised in a Christian home and I knew that there was no way that I would be able to handle an abortion, and at the same time, I knew I couldn't handle having a baby. And I let myself be convinced that I wouldn't be able to give the child up for adoption. It was so hard. I made an appointment to go to the abortion clinic and I cancelled it. I told my fiancé that it wasn't going to happen. And by New Years Eve, I still wasn't drinking any alcohol, because I hadn't decided what I wanted to do. Somehow, I convinced myself that I was going to be able to go through with this and I made another appointment and I was driven 1 and 1/2 hours away to the place this was to occur and I was terrified!

I tried to get my fiancé to let us go home and not do this, but he was convinced it was right and I thought it was too. I went in there and nothing was said to me other than let me have your money and fill out this paperwork. I didn't have anyone speak to me and no one took any time to care. I went in the little room and started crying as the doctor began working on me and he said to the nurse that I was scared of the procedure, but truth be known, I didn't want this to be happening to me and there was nothing I could do at this point...I don't know what made me stay in there, and I wish and wish that I could erase those hours!

I went home with a sense of relief, and felt that relief for about a week and then I was miserable, finally it seemed to stop hurting and I would not think about it for awhile and then I broke up with my fiancé and about 6 months after that, started dating a wonderful human being, he is amazing and we are married now. That is when it really started to hit me. At least a year after the actual event, I realized how miserable I really was and how sad I really was. I wanted to erase time and go back and change my horrible ways of thinking. I wanted to be a better person and make better decisions...and that is when I started looking on the internet at these kinds of pages, in hopes that someone could help me! Unbelievably, there was one person, that wrote me a 2 sentence e-mail, and it really has changed my life again! This person told me that God has forgiven me and by not forgiving myself, I was acting as if I were more important and a stronger decision maker than God. I know I am not, and I know that God has forgiven me, and I know that I am truly sorry. I love my husband and I wish I had been able to give him the opportunity to love my child, but I know that in his heart, he loves that child as much as I do, and that is something I am daily learning to live with.

I would love to be able to talk to anyone that wanted to talk about this, before, or after the fact. I wish I could stop just one person from making the mistake I made...keep one person from going through the guilt and the hurt and the regret and the lack of self respect. It has taken a long time, but I am starting to heal and I know that I am going to be a great mother someday and maybe I will be able to help someone else along the way.
Tamara L. Cosby tlcosby@ingr.com

August 09, 1997
I grew up during a time when abortion was illegal and not discussed (the 50's and 60's). There was little talk in my family about abortion, as premarital sex was not considered to be a lifestyle choice - and so abortion wouldn't be needed.  There were very occasional stories about girls who 'got themselves' pregnant (something I still can't figure out).  Most often they got married early or left town for several months, returning pale and alone.  Nothing was discussed about this, but I figured out this was not a good thing.

Unfortunately, life and times took a turn.  My father's early death and the consequential devastation of my family collided with the Free Love 60's.  I did 'get myself' pregnant. Abortion wasn't legal and the adoption counselor I talked to suggested (while saying she'd deny she ever said this) that I find a way to get an abortion.  

All I'd heard about abortion was that it should be a woman's right, that it was a better solution than a shotgun wedding or adoption, that it was expensive.  There was no commentary made about the emotional pain and emptiness of  a successful abortion, only articles and speeches about the deaths of women who had illegal 'clothes hanger' abortions. I don't think women who'd had 'successful' abortions talked about them.  Although this was not something to brag about,   no one ever expressed what I think now was a significant need to mourn the loss and emptiness that came along with an abortion.

The child's father and I traveled secretly to Montreal; we'd heard talk of a doctor who did abortions,  but we never found him.  Another connection found a group in Baltimore who offered abortions .  When I left  for Baltimore, I had family support.  The child's father cried, as this was not his choice.

But I ended up having that baby and a shotgun wedding that didn't last more than a year. In the many years that have gone by I have had one abortion, one miscarriage, one child out of wedlock and two while married.  

After the abortion , which was legal, I knew I'd never have another one.   I knew what it did to me and agonized for years about what it had done to the life and soul of my unborn child. That was the child who changed my view on abortion, although I remained silent for years.

I became pregnant while not married, and working in a well paying, high visibility job, much later in life.  This baby's birth would alter my career path, focus community attention on me and my lifestyle.   However, I knew that abortion was not an option.  Neither was marriage to the child's father, and that of course made me think about how I had managed to get myself - if not pregnant - then into such a predicament.

That was the child who and the situation that changed my view on speaking out about abortion and changing my acceptance of my own and our societies casual attitude about premarital sex.  These issues are connected.  A casual attitude about one supports a casual attitude about the other.

Many people laugh at me, to my face and behind my back, because I 'got caught'. My question to myself was - what was I doing having sex with someone I wasn't going to marry? What has this done to our child's life? For the adults involved, it is 'something that happened' late in life, an 'oops' baby.  For this child, it is now the beginning of his story about how his life began.  

I've not had one regret about having and raising my child, but I've had many about the child I so easily threw away, in the first trimester of pregnancy so many years ago.

It doesn't seem (to me) that there should be much of a question about whether or not abortion should be the choice for those who find themselves in an embarrassing situation (pregnant and unmarried). Like any other taking of life, such as the death penalty and murder.  How much of a grey area is there?  It's all the taking of life.

Abortion has become socially acceptable as one 'solution' for an unplanned pregnancy. It is assumed abortion is a woman's concern and a woman's 'right' only. All too often it is treated as 'no big deal', an hour or two of surgery, a day of recovery and life goes on.  Once a woman gets there, she may find that a day is not enough time for recovery. Abortion is a big deal, and has a lasting effect on those who experience it.

I have questions with no answers yet.  For example, why do the majority of women who seek abortions find themselves pregnant inappropriately?  This isn't an individual judgment of a woman, as much as it is a question about our society? Why are we having sex before marriage?  Is this the only way we can 'get' a man?  At what price?  Why, then, doesn't society value the unmarried or married and childless woman?  What happened to adoption?

This leads me to more questions, sidebars really, about what happens to the children of women who don't tell the father they are pregnant until the adopted child is 2 or 3 years old? Where are the rights of the father in abortion? In adoption? Where are the rights of the children?

And why are we sitting in the presence of our own children, laughing at sit coms that endorse relationships that can lead to this?  Why do we think it is cool and necessary and our right to have sex before marriage, between marriages, or with other people's spouses?  

We need to look at why abortions are needed in this country. What are we teaching our children about sex? What are we accepting for ourselves? What does choosing abortion do to one's body and soul? Are you pro-life or pro-choice? Can you be pro-life in practice, beliefs and spiritual understanding, while maintaining a political stance of pro-choice?

You have to answer those questions for yourself.  I struggled not to answer them for years, saying it was none of my business what other people did.  But our children, our friends, neighbors and others follow the examples that are set.

Received August 04, 1997 - Jenny's Story
As we grow and mature, we as parents hope and pray, that by the grace of God, our children will not make the same mistakes we made.

At 37, I should have known better. After all, wasn't I once the one to accompany a friend to a clinic? Now here I sat, terrified to leave a building where I would be confronted with pictures and posters of what I was about to condemn my little one to. And me - a loving mother of two, with two stepchildren - couldn't I make room in my heart for just one more?

How did this happen? Wasn't I paying attention? Isn't this what we caution our adolescent daughters and sons about? "Wait till you're married." (We were going to be married in two months.) "Make sure you love him." (I do love him. And his children. Sometimes, I love his children more than him!) "Be responsible." (Looking back, I am responsible. For everything.)
He must have known, because when I came downstairs, he said, 'You better not tell me that you're pregnant!', and proceeded to storm around the house and yell and scream about how unfair life was to him. What about me? What about our baby? When I looked at the blue line on the home pregnancy test, my heart soared and sunk at the same time. My soon-to-be-husband made it all too clear from the get-go that there would be no children. After all, he had raised his children single-handedly. It would be difficult enough blending our two families, and quite a financial strain as it was - all four will be in college at the same time.....but I was so happy!! Maybe he would love this child. This baby who would be born as a result of our love.
He must have known, because when I came downstairs, he said, "You better not tell me that you're pregnant!", and proceeded to storm around the house and yell and scream about how unfair life was to him. What about me? What about our baby?

I knew, or thought I knew, what I had to do. I needed to be alone. I jumped on my bike and rode off to the school ground. It was a warm, sunny, September afternoon. As I rode through the fields of clover, tears streaming down my face, I cried silently to my baby, apologizing to her for what I was going to do. I looked down, and by my front tire was a beautiful Monarch butterfly with vibrant orange and black patterns across her delicate wings. The butterfly rose and flew around my bike, circling higher and higher, and I followed her up to the sky with tearful eyes, watching her disappear against the deep, blue sky.

I know where you're going. You're going home. You are my baby, and you are going to Heaven. I'm sorry that I'm sending you there so soon. It isn't your time yet. You have puppies to play with, and merry-go-rounds to ride, balloons to chase, and spelling quizzes to take. You deserve a chance, but I can't bring you into a life where I know your dad doesn't want you. I know what it's like to feel unwanted. I can't do that to you. I'm so sorry.

The next few weeks were a blur of tears, and appointments, ("We'll see you on Tuesday morning. Bring your insurance card, and don't eat anything.").... sonograms ("See that flickering? That's your baby's heart.").... and mis-information ("I think Depo-Provera will work nicely on you. After all, we don't want this to happen again.!"...... "There are many Catholics who think abortion is an acceptable practice. Here's a pamphlet written by Pro-Choice Catholics!!").....and of course, the biggest piece of mis-information ("You might feel a little blue for a couple of days.")

Three years later, I'm still waiting to feel the warmth of the sun again. I think about Jenny - my butterfly - whose heart I watched flickering on that screen. The heart that I stopped. Because I couldn't accept responsibility for my actions. Because I couldn't stand up to the man I loved and say, "We both have rights. This is what I want. I want our baby."

When someone tells you that you have a choice, they are correct. Where they err, is in telling you that choosing to end a life is one of your choices.

Lauren's Story - received June, 1997
I had an abortion about 3 months ago. it was the most emotionally draining experience I have ever been put through. I have been going through phases of self pity and regret ever since. I had found out I was pregnant at two weeks, which meant I would have to wait until at least five weeks to have an abortion. I was the youngest one there, at 17. I never put the fact that I was pregnant and the fact that I had a living thing inside me together until I had had the abortion. Now I regret it so much. I want to be pregnant again, but i know that it wont improve my empty feelings in the long term. I am seeking a post abortion recovery group in my area now, and hopefully my life will improve.
thank you
Melanie's Story - received May, 1997
Fifteen years ago I had an abortion. Although I am now a happily married woman with two children, ages 10 and 11, I have carried this deep dark secret up until the last year and a half. Upon sharing this information through various outlets - writing, picketing, etc., I have found that I am not alone in the pain and heartbreak this so-called simple procedure has brought to my life. What began as "freedom of choice" has resulted into the emotional bondage guilt (over taking my child's life), sense of loss, and regret abortion often brings. As difficult as it is, I have chosen to share my experience with anyone who will listen since those involved in the abortion industry refuse to fully address the physical and emotional consequences of terminating a pregnancy.

As much as I would like to see abortion illegal, and abortionists regarded as criminals (murderers), in my opinion, it would be much more effective to inform women as to all the in's and out's of this terrible procedure so they will realize that abortion is not a viable solution to an untimely pregnancy. Before we can change minds, we must change hearts.

In my early 20's I was exclusively dating a young man who I assumed I would marry. For whatever reason we engaged in unprotected sex - not really thinking about the chance of pregnancy. Shortly afterwards, I discovered I was pregnant. My emotions were mixed - excited, scared, not certain where to turn. When my boyfriend immediately suggested abortion, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. But it was too late to turn back the hands of time.

I wanted to keep my baby, but I felt it would be realistically impossible. I was immature for my age, wasn't married, and was barely able to afford the small apartment I rented. During this time, no one, not mother, father, friends, nor the staff at the clinic where I had my pregnancy test offered me any options. Everyone seemed to agree that abortion would be the best answer to this dilemma.

I can vividly recall the day I killed my baby. The clinic was very quiet with the exception of the staff who were carrying out their duties. I was placed in a room with about 12 other young women, most under age 20. A "counselor" explained to us in very brief detail what would soon happen. She used words like "uterine contents" and "wastes expelling," but never once used the word "baby." Today, I now know that the well-chosen terminology is intentional. All the girls were then given a pill which was said to be a low-dose muscle relaxant.

When it was my turn, I was instructed to lay on the examining table with my legs placed high up in stirrups. Since I had never had any type of gynecological examination before, I was so scared that my legs were shaking. The abortionist examined me internally and informed me that I was farther off than what I had calculated. I was three months pregnant.

Without any type of pain medication the abortionist began to insert various medical instruments inside me. I felt an uncomfortable tugging and prodding. I have since learned that this tugging etc. is the abortionist severing the limbs of the baby. He then inserted another instrument which sounded like a small vacuum cleaner. When I looked to the side I could see a yellowish substance tinged with red flowing through the suction device and into a clear container. This was the remains of my baby. This followed more scrapping which was very painful. From what I understand, the abortionist must be very careful not to leave any fragments of the fetus behind as this could cause infection or other serious complications.

I was told to expect a little spotting for a few days after the abortion, but I bled like a regular period for several weeks. I also became anemic from the loss of blood, but was too ashamed to go back to the clinic.

Eventually the bleeding stopped, as did the pain -emotional and physical. I put the abortion behind me (or so I thought), and got on with my life.
"Our society has been greatly deceived into tolerating abortion because we have bought into the lies which the abortion industry has propagated. One of these lies are that a woman's right to choose is more important than a child's right to live" For many years, I erased the memory of the abortion until it crept back into my life when I gave birth to my 'other' children. I looked down at their tiny faces - so innocent and trusting, and I couldn't believe what I had done to my 'other child.' Here were two little babies that were perfectly formed. When they were in my womb, I felt them kick and squirm. They were alive! Not a tiny clump of cells as I was led to believe, but a baby! A living, breathing, thinking, and feeling baby!
Living with the pain of knowing that I choose to end my first child's life, is nothing compared to the sense of loss. I wonder if my aborted child was a boy or girl. What would he or she now look like? What type of personality would he/she have? Strangely, the same love that I have for my two (living) children is the same love I will always carry for the child I aborted.

As a result of my Christian faith, I have dealt with the moral and spiritual ramifications of my past abortion. The emotions I probably will always carry have nothing to do with lack of forgiveness, but a maternal instinct of sorts. A type of bond between mother and child that not even death (abortion) can erase. The scars of abortion are real and lasting. Clearly, there are two victims in this gruesome procedure.

Today, I am involved in the pro-life movement, not to condemn, but to inform and speak for those who have no voice - the babies. Even though many high schools speak openly on homosexuality, sexual relationships, even some distributing free condoms, most will never discuss abortion and it's effects - not only to the fetus, but to the mother. I feel our society has been greatly deceived into tolerating abortion because we have bought into the lies which the abortion industry has propagated. One of these lies are that a woman's right to choose is more important than a child's right to live.

I find this philosophy quite interesting since the abortion industry does everything in it's power to withhold information from women so those in a 'crisis pregnancy' are not made aware of choices which preserve life as adoption, financial assistance and the like. But then again, that only makes sense since there is no money to be made by the abortionist in preserving life - only in destroying it.

Melanie Schurr rightldy@webtv.net
Melanie's Home Page

Received January 1997
I read your views with abortion with interest and I must say you raise many valid points. I had an abortion about three years ago and to this day count it as among one of the most horrible experiences of my life. My boyfriend (now my husband) was all for the abortion for valid financial reasons, but for reasons of the heart I felt as though I could not go through with it. Yet I did, for fear of what would become of myself and my baby if I did not. Your contention that the male doctors performing abortions are not feminists, in my experience, was right on the money. During the procedure I began to cry and throw up from the pain. The doctor, whom had been paid $350 for his services before I even entered the waiting room, called me a bitch. I'll never forget how physically and emotionally empty I felt after I left that place.
"The baby you rid yourself of is so light in comparison to the stone you will carry in your heart." I tried for months to hide my pain my feeding myself on the feminist dogma that has been so trumpeted in this society. I had exercised my choice. I had made myself independent of a "problem pregnancy". If that was true why did I hurt so badly? My pain did not come from religious convictions ; I am not a Christian. Rather, the pain came from knowing that no matter how hard I tried to lie to myself I would someday have to face what I had done.
My relationship with my partner survived, although we were yet to face the resentment I felt towards him for his influence in my decision to abort the baby. We found out in April of 96 that I was again pregnant and since we were already engaged we moved our wedding up to June. It was a joyous occasion preceding a tragic event which would finally force both of us to face the painful decision we had previously made. On June 26 we went for our first ultrasound. I was 11 weeks pregnant and we were both excited. However, what we saw on the screen was not what had been expected. The baby was only measuring eight weeks in size and was still. I knew it was dead.

Once again I tried to be strong, even as nine days after the bad news I miscarried naturally. However, I didn't escape that easily. Even as I assured my family and midwives that I was fine physically I crashed. I suffered an infection which was followed by a case of pneumonia. Holding my grief in was taking a physical toll on what had previously been a healthy 30 year old body. My midwife, a wonderful person and firm believer in holistic medicine, recognized my physical symptoms as unmanifested grief and gave me a book called "Ended Beginnings" which deals with pregnancy loss, including abortion. The book addressed the after-effects of miscarriage and abortion and for the first time I allowed myself to completely feel what I had denied myself for so long. I cried for days for both my babies and asked the one I had aborted for forgiveness. I do believe in the human spirit and I do believe that my babies both know I love them.

My husband was soon forced to face the reality my pain and thus face his own demons. We had a horrible confrontation in which I asked him what the difference was between the miscarried baby he cried over and the aborted baby he never mentioned. He replied that he only allowed himself to grieve for the miscarried baby because it was "wanted". I was crushed. Both babies were real to me; both losses were significant. I needed my husband to dignify both babies before I could be at peace. I needed their daddy to love them both before I could put them at rest. I told him this, just as I am telling you now, and in its simplicity the message hit home with him. We were able to grieve together for both children, as both children deserved.

Am I against a woman's right to choose? I can't say that I could take that choice away from someone else but if I had to talk to a woman facing the abortion decision I would tell her, from my own experience, not to do it. The baby you rid yourself of is so light in comparison to the stone you will carry in your heart. I know because I've been there. The difference between me and the feminists is that they won't tell you. But I will. I am now 14 weeks pregnant. We heart the baby's heartbeat Thursday and are daily thankful for another chance. I have three children from a previous marriage who look forward to being big sister and big brothers. Yet even as I bring this child into the world I will hold all my children - all six of them - in my heart.

Thanks for hearing my story.

Received in 1996
"Your views were very thought provoking to me. I only wish I had them to read 14 years ago when I had my abortion. I can't begin to tell you of the sorrow I felt almost immediately. It has been a sorrow that has stayed with me all this time - one that will never leave me. But we never hear from women such as myself -- we need to speak out but it takes a lot of courage for me to even speak the word abortion. Just writing this message to you makes me nervous. Maybe soon I will start to speak out. I guess I never wanted to condemn the act as I would be condemning myself. I just wanted to share this with you."

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