There are some situations where abortion would seem to be the only option
- but it's not, as the following stories will show.
Following are some women's stories, unedited and reproduced here with
permission from the authors.
Received March, 1999
Hi, my name is Denise. I have experienced both adoption and abortion.
I was 18 years old and in college when I found out I was pregnant. I had
unprotected sex and never thought that pregnancy would happen to me. I
was away from home and had everything going for me. My parents were
paying for my education and I was living on my own
At that time, all I
could think of was how I didn't want to lose everything I had. I wanted
to be free and not tied down to anything or anyone. I was self-centered,
as most girls are at that age, I thought only of myself. I was raised
with a belief in God, but had not gone to church in years and
had no personal relationship with Him. I went to Planned Parenthood for
a free pregnancy test. A counselor went over me with the results. She
explained how since this was obviously an unplanned pregnancy, and I had
so much going for me, the only option was abortion. Being the
self-centered, naive person I was, I believed her. I had an abortion at
about 6 weeks gestation.
Shortly after the abortion I went into a deep
depression. I dropped out of school and fought with my parents. I had
an abusive manipulating boyfriend and I was miserable. I didn't care
about myself anymore. I was suicidal and cold hearted. Two months
later, I got pregnant again (this time I was on the pill). I couldn't
even imagine going through the pain and torment of another abortion. It
was hard to tell my parents I was pregnant. They had never known (and
still don't) about the previous pregnancy. When I told my father, he
look at me with soulful eyes (and my father is NOT one to show any
emotion) and said, "please don't do anything as horrendous as having an
abortion". My stomach turned. My boyfriend threatened to kill me if I
carried the child, then he threatened to kill me if I kept the child.
All my "friends" (yeah, where are they now?) urged me to get an abortion.
I talked to someone who used abortion as a form a birth control. The
thought of her doing that made me want to puke! Then I ran into a
co-worker who had something great to share with me. She pulled out some
pictures of a little girl who was about three years old. She said,
"this is my daughter. I gave her up for adoption at birth".
"Adoption?", I thought. Wow, why hadn't it occurred to me before. After
all, I was adopted myself. My birth mom loved me enough to give me life
as God had planned! So, I made my choice. It wasn't easy. At about one
month after I found out I was pregnant, I got a new wonderful boyfriend.
He offered to stick with me and even help me raise the child if I
wanted. I told him I was way too immature and unstable to raise a child
at that time. I also believed that a child needed two parents if at all
possible, and since we just started dating, I could not make a
commitment like that. I found a lawyer and started looking for parents.
I was adopted under a closed adoption, but now you can choose a very
open adoption and call all the shots. I looked at some resumes and
picked a couple who I thought would be great parents. I met them in
person and we talked on the phone several times throughout the
pregnancy. They helped some financially because my boyfriend had a very
low paying job at the time, and I was on disability. They wanted to
make sure I made it to all my doctor visits and ate healthy (I ate TOO
healthy, I gained 95lbs!). I was accused several times (especially by
young mothers) that I was selling my baby and I was a horrible person.
I kept my chin up, I knew I was doing the right thing.
On May 7, 1990 I gave birth to a beautiful 8lb baby girl. The adopting
parents came as
soon as they could. They thanked me with all their heart for giving
them the opportunity to finally have a child of their own. I felt
great!!! My boyfriend and I ended up getting married. Ten years later
and we now have two wonderful boys. I will always regret being
responsible for taking the life of my first baby (abortion). I have
NEVER regretted giving a life to a deserving couple. I get pictures of
her every year and since it was an open adoption, we can always get a
hold of each other if it is ever necessary. I wish adoption wasn't
looked down upon so much. I wish it was offered at places like Planned
Parenthood as readily as they offer abortions. Adoption leaves no
regret, abortion does. It's as simple as that! Having responsible sex,
or being abstinent until marriage would help a lot too! Praise God for
not letting me make the same mistake twice!!
Thank you for listening. That is the first time I have shared this
story ever. It feels great. I hope I can help someone out there.....
Denise
niecee11@hotmail.com
Received October, 1998
Last winter I found out that I was pregnant from a date rape. I
freaked out because I made a promise to myself that I would never have an
abortion. When the lady asked what I considered and I told her adoption
she
immediately responded with," Have you thought of abortion?" When I told my
mom
and instead of support which is what anybody needs in this sort of crisis
she
told me to have an abortion. I told her that I wouldn't I didn't think it
was
right. So I decided to call my aunt she had the same solution. I started
to
think these so called "pro-choice" people were actually "pro-abortion". I
was
devastated. I had nobody to support me and I started to think about
abortion.
I couldn't do it. There was a living "soon to be" being growing and
living
inside of me. So on my own with minimal support I started contacting
Lawyers.
The biggest mistake I ever made. The lawyer I choose lied to me about
families
not interested when actually they never contacted them because they
already a
lawyer.
By the time I figured this out it was May and I was due in June. I was
really
freaking out. So this time I contacted agencies. I never really felt the
"click" I was supposed to feel towards these families. Then one day I got
a
phone call from my neighbor saying she knew of a family who was looking to
adopt. I told her to drop a resume in my mail box. When I got the resume
it
was one that was apparently not interested. Then I started to think about
how
I caught them in other lies maybe they were ling about this couple.(Dana &
Jeff) Sure enough, they never even heard about me. Finally, the "click".
Dana
and Jeff were perfect. Everything about them was sincere and nice. Not to
mention Dana was adopted her self. I knew as soon as met them they were
meant
to adopted my baby. On June 17, 1998 Max was born. Every minute I had I
was
holding him looking in his eyes, feeding him. I feel in love with. But I
knew
what was meant to be. Max needed more than I could give him. A mom and a
dad.
I wanted the very best him. When the time came to say good bye I cried
and cried looking into
his eyes. The nurses tried to comfort me but it just made me cry even
more.
But when Dana walked in all the sadness went away and was replaced with a
calming and warmness in my heart that I feel every time I think about him.
He
is now going to be 4 mo. old in 4 days. I see him every other week and
talk to
Dana almost daily that also makes everything a little easier.
Clairissa 19 [junglepimptress@yahoo.com]
The following story was sent to me in February 1998 after someone read
the story from a 19 year-old birthmom
dear nineteen year old birthmom,
What can I say except after reading your letter on the internet
I'd
like to share my story with you. Twenty-eight years ago I too had a
child, he was the most beautiful baby boy I've ever seen.. his name was
"Brian Michael" big blue eyes and a smile that could make your heart
melt.
Back in 1969 there were no "open adoptions" like we have today.. and
what a gift you have been given to have that connection with your
daughters parents and to receive pictures of her as she grows. My life
was a struggle from the day his father and I walked away and said
good-bye for what we always knew would not be the last time. My sons
father & I tried for years to go on and make a relationship work but we
were both so angry and hurt it directly effected our relationship and so
we went our separate ways for almost 20 years. Today our son is back in
our lives ( I searched for him and we reunited on March 19, 1989),
shortly after that I connected with is father and they too reunited.
Since that time almost nine yeras ago now, so much has changed. My sons
father & I were married on October 23, 1994.. our son walked me down the
aisle... and was his Dads best man. What a wonderful gift we all have
been given.. Today we have our son back, a beautiful grandson "Brian
Michael", and we are raising together four wonderful children (my step
children) and ours sons half brothers and sisters. Our son has brought
back to us more joy and happiness than words can express as your
daughter will for a life time bring to you!!
All the best to you & God Bless,
Kathy O'Brien
A 46 year old birthmom
obrien31@idt.net
In 1973 I was 13. When my friends and I heard that abortion was
legalized, we all discussed whether or not we would have one. We all
innately knew that being pregnant meant that you were going to have a
baby. I knew then that I would never and could never "terminate" a child
for a sin (call it whatever you like) I had committed.
In 1979, that conviction was put to the test. It was the usual story. I
thought that if I made him happy he would love me. It never occurred to
me that if he loved me I would have made him happy, just being myself.
"He" told me he didn't really want a wife and kid. My parents gave me a
week to get out. He proceeded to give me clear indication that he wasn't
married and wasn't going to act married either. I think he went out of
his way to
find other girls to prove it. I decided that my baby deserved TWO parents
and a home. I got to set the criteria for the adoptive family, even
asking that they already have one child so my baby wouldn't be too
spoiled.
On May 3, 1980, I gave birth to a miraculous, marvelous, walkin'-on-water
little baby boy! My first comment to my best friend (my mother and the
boy's father wouldn't come to the hospital) was "MAN! THIS IS GREAT! I
CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN!"
What I've noticed the difference is between abortive moms and adoptive
moms is that if you give your baby up for adoption, your spiritual bond
with that child isn't broken as it is when you lose a child to death.
In three more months my boy will be given access to my identity and my
address. Maybe I'll get to look into his face and say "Yowch! Now I
remember why I loved your father so much!"
Please just call me "not as dumb as I used to be." I must stay anonymous.
I don't want my kids spending their lives looking for a brother who may
never return.
Here's my story of why I'm choosing
adoption over abortion. I'm a pro-lifer not for political but for
religious
reasons. I've always believed the Bible to be the infallible Word of God,
pertaining to all matters of life. YES, even today. I detest abortion
clinic
bombings as well and agree violence is not the answer. God clearly stated
that we're to obey the laws of the land, no matter how much we detest
them!
I'm 27 and married to a wonderful man I met via AOL. Being on the pill,
imagine my shock when I found out I was pregnant in 1994. Egads! I hadn't
gotten my degree yet and we didn't have a house yet. Not only that, our
car
is a two seater. For a split second of panic, I entertained the notion of
abortion, then banished the thought from my mind. Our beautiful baby, DJ,
was born April 1995.
I then find out I'm pregnant again in November 1995. Oh no! More
panic....we hung in there and our second boy, Tyler, was born August
1996.
Sadly, Tyler lost his hearing due to the antibiotic gentamycin, used
for an infection at one week of age.
Our third child is due in October 1997. We'd planned Tyler but not DJ nor
this pregnancy. It would be so simple to take the easy way out and have an
abortion. I refuse, as I may be many things, but I'm not a killer and I
could
never live with myself. I'd rather take my own life than take the life of
another human being. God has always provided but we still don't have a
house nor funds to handle three children. (Call it lack of faith,
whatever.)
Plus, Tyler needs a lot of auditory-verbal habilitation and
lipreading/speechreading. Oral-deaf education is very taxing and tiring
but it is worth it as we want him to function in the hearing world, be
able to use his residual hearing, speak, and not flap his arms like a
chicken when ordering a McChicken ;D
Bottom line is, we don't want to sacrifice Tyler's needs so we're
considering open adoption and hope to find loving parents who will
provide the funds, love, and care our third baby needs. Thankfully, our
church works with Crisis Pregnancy Centers so I'll keep you updated on our
progress.
Diane
Received in February, 1997
Last March I met "the guy of my dreams." NOT!! He
turned out to be a total jerk. We broke up shortly after we found out I
was pregnant. We had already started looking into adoption because I
refused to have an abortion, even though he wanted me to, and I started to
realize that things were not good between us. I knew that it was not the
proper environment to bring a child into, and I had five years of college
left.
We broke up when I was out working in Yellowstone National Park for the
summer. This gave both my parents and myself some room and a lot of
time to think. When I got home, my social worker had me view portfolios
right away because the sooner this step was started the better. I gave
her a certain criteria and she found five couples that met that
criteria. These were the ones that she thought would be the best for
me, but if I did not like what I read there were plenty more for me to
view. I found the couple I liked in the first group of portfolios. The
next step was to set up an interview/meeting. Many birthmoms/couples
treat it as a informal meeting; I treated it as a very important
interview. I asked them some really tough questions about religion, how
they were going to talk to my child about adoption, discipline and mane
other stiff question. Let's just put it this way - I ran them through
the works, and when we were finished, I knew that they would be the best
parents for my child.
After that we started to talk to one another on the phone each weekend
starting on the first of October. We would talk for about an hour or
more and I really got to know them as people. We discovered that we had a
lot in common. Our family history is almost identical except they have
Irish and I had French ancestors. A lot of the family kept telling the
adoptive mom that we looked a lot alike. The adoptive father was a lot
like my dad and just a whole bunch of details. I felt like I was
putting my daughter into a home that would be just as good as mine, but
she would have two parents.
I even had the adoptive couple meet my parents at an informal dinner.
It was kind of a coincidence that it was there five year anniversary.
They got married at a more mature age. My parents really enjoyed the
evening and we also had a small gift exchange. It was a real nice
event.
I had my daughter January 4, 1997, at 8:59a.m. She was the most beautiful
thing I had ever seen. My mom got to hold her first and I
held her as soon as I was cleaned up. I could not believe how precious
she seemed. I loved her very much and I knew that she was going to make
some family very happy. What a wonderful event.
I spent two days in the hospital with her and I really got to love her
and care for her. She was truly my daughter. Saying good-bye was the
hardest thing, but it was not as hard as people think it is. I loved
her, but I had to do what was best for her and not be selfish. She
needed a strong, two parent home that would give her love all the time.
I knew that I could not do that.
It has been six weeks since I had her and I am very happy about my
decision. I still get phone calls and pictures all the time. She is my
little angle sent from heaven above, to touch all of our lives with
wonder and fill all or our hearts with love.
A 19 year old Birthmom
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